Why…. 

This is the post excerpt.

I wanted to start off my very first blog site, post or ,whatever  I am to call this, with something really profound and deep,then I decided I’m not that profound Im not that deep. I am just me. I struggle daily with BPD (Borderline personality Disorder) or emotional dysregulation is what I prefer to call it. I was just recently diagnosed after seeing a therapist for a couple months. I never thought anything was wrong with me persay I just knew that all the feelings I feel all at once have got to be controlled or I would ruin. Finding out that this overwheleming ocean of feelings that taunts me,day in and day out, has a name really scared the crap out of me at first and then it comforted me knowing that I am not alone in this. Although I haven’t met anyone with the same problem or experiences BPD can cause it is comfortaing to know that I’m not the only one.  So tonight I chose to write,to share my feelings that rush me,and over power me,and sometimes knock me down as my way of standing up and never giving in. All this to introduce my WHY. 

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I’m ok 

Sadness has no face. 

It doesn’t have a particular personality trait.

It doesn’t have a specific time or anticipated date. 

It looks like plastered on smiles and joyless eyes.

It lies beneth the skin waiting for someone, anyone to realize. 

Sadness doesn’t look like me and doesn’t sound like her.

It just feels like continuously grasping for air without  ever really getting a taste.

Or ever being able to keep the pace. 

Sadness has no face. 

It seeps in the underbelly of your voice tone 

It wanders to your eyes adding a barrier 

that blocks out warmth and projects lies.

It’s silent and deadly because no one can hear when the heart cries.

You see sadness has no face so in the end 

Yes, yea sure I’m ok. 

If I told the truth who would hear it anyway.

Ease my mind or feed my Soul? 

Prayer is to ease the mind and draw closer to God and yet people use it to get what they want And by people I mean me 

I pray to God to mend my broken heart to heal my wounds and correct my mistakes 

When I feel that no change has been made, I’m still broken and my mistakes are repeated I quit 

I give up on prayer I rely on myself to paint my own path and on that path I am lost and once again I pray 

I pray to God in desperate hope he helps me find my way 

I gave up on prayer because when I needed God I thought he wasn’t there 

I was lost with out it 

I was thinking with my head and ignoring my heart 

But in the midst of my confusion I found my heart in faith 

Now I pray for wisdom to make better choices 

I pray for patience so I don’t want what I don’t need 

I pray that God help me draw closer to him and I pray to never be alone in the midst of my confusion and uncertainties 

Prayer is to ease the mind and draw closer to God and yet I find myself expecting God to change my situation when I should rely on God to help me grow so I that I learn to navigate my path following his lead 

I pray for discernment so I only want what I need 

Would you, could you ? 

Love and all the Other little things in between

Could you love me for everything I am and especially for the things that I am not? 
Could you love me for my flaws and appreciate my sometimes random awkward pause ? 

Could you love me when the sun is shinning and when the storm clouds just won’t seem to go away,when it’s raining so hard the foundation God laid is starting to erode ?

Would you do your very best to pack it back in place wait it out until the sun shined back upon your face ? 

I know in this day an age it’s asking a lot to stick it out and fight through the storm.

Why would you when there’s sunshine right next door. 

Waiting in the rain,these days, is not part of the norm.

Could you love me even when my beauty is not becoming of societies standards ? 

Could you love me even though I speak my mind and I may not always think before I speak? 

Could you love me even though I try ridiculously hard to embody strength, but deep down I’m tired and mentally weak?  

Could you love me enough to leave me if you realize maybe you’re not the man for me ? 

Life and its Distractions 

Inevitable is change
Life’s twists and turns

Blend the colors of adventure

Bright and enticing
Bold and skeptical
Daring and undeniable
Change is inevitable.
Time is the catalyst 

Change is the substance indecisive and anxious despite those feelings of insecurity hides deep the feeling of curiosity.

 What’s to come, which road to take, not one day will pass without a choice to make.

Live the life only in a dream one would conceive.

embrace the changes they come as easy as we breathe.

Embracing the change is easier said than done, but aren’t all things that are worth being won? 

Life offers us distractions as a means to an end it teaches us that nothing is always as it seems you gotta have a little bend.

Appreciate the distractions in them is when you really live. 

Senses

I need my thoughts provoked before my senses can explode 

I need to feel a connection from from your eyes to my soul

 need a 5 hour conversation with no dead air that could make me feel whole 

you have to make love to my mind 

before even dreaming of your hands on my body it’s something about intellect that opens my rhythm and puts an arch in my back 

feed my mind 

connect to my soul

 fill those holes 

I need my thoughts provoked and my wit matched to really make me feel attached 

intrigue me with your mind and pay attention to my words there’s no limits or lengths of you I won’t explore a soulful connection is what I yearn for

it’s something about intellect that shakes me to my core a deep conversation leaves me wondering and wanting for more 

Friends how Many of us have them? 

When I think of friends there are many different people that come to mind. When I think of what constitutes a friendship the number decreases dramatically. A friendship is a state of mutual trust and support. Let’s break down these words. Mutual, is a partnership based on shared respect and understanding. How many friends do you have that feel like a partnership ? When I first think of friends, I think of many. I am a part of their lives daily,seeing their day to day life through social media lenses, but there’s no partnership. Trust, is a firm belief in realiability, truth, and faith in someone. Your number just decreased by a dozen more now I’m sure. Support, is something that bears the weight of something or in this case someone, and keeps it up right. Now where is your number ? 

Five,my number is 5. I am lucky enough that the majority of that 5 also happen to be my sisters and mother. I was also fortunate enough to have met at least two people along the way who embody what a friendship is, and for that I am grateful. We tend to take our friendships for granted because, well we think we have so many, and in reality it’s a struggle to just get one. A friendship that forms between women is a sisterhood an indestructible bubble of love, trust, and hope. My bestfriend has been there with me through my angsty teen years and drama filled teary eyed late night convos, and is now seeing me through real heart break, real life,  where decisions are make it or break it. The trust and support that no matter what happens in life whether I screw up big or succeed expentionaly. There is never a question of if she’ll be there, and this is for any of the 5 I mentioned earlier. Support is the foundation of our long friendships, because of the mutual love and trust, the support will always be upright. As women we tend to tear each other down, and only few have the heart and the securityto build  each other up, but when we do beautiful inspiring things take place. So Thank you to the women that build me up, and share in the weight of my burdens, and provide that swift kick in the ass when I wallow too long. I am not me with you you!